Here are some guidelines to understanding what is acceptable during a massage, so your next massage can be your best massage!!
1. You keep looking at your phone.
PUT YOUR DAMN PHONE AWAY! there is nothing worse than having a client on the table who must lie down on top of their phone, gets updates and messages every ten seconds or worse holds the phone under the face cradle to continue texting. Can’t it wait? WHY are you even here? Please go somewhere else and text to your hearts delight. First of all its bad for your massage. Your head should be down( prone) or up (supine) not turned to the side. So you’re not straining your neck or cervical spine. Plus, the mystical element of “leaving this world behind for a while” is gone from the massage. The objective to most massages is to relax. One can not achieve Zen if you’re texting while your massage therapist is trying to undo your tense muscles. Let go, breathe, live a moment away from the screen and let your therapist to take you on a sixty-minute mental vacation. I promise your text messages will still be there when you finish.
2. The expert." I have had two hundred massages". Those words were said to me after the wicked witch of massage clients made her first massage therapist cry. I was the lucky replacement. I was determined to have a satisfied client, but it was a nerve racking, awkward experience and even though she was happy, as in she finished the massage and didn’t complain, I refused to work on her again. Yes, we are happy you love massage. That you know all the modalities, but you are the client, not the therapist. It is perfectly acceptable to tell your therapist to increase or decrease pressure during a massage and to let your therapist know if your experiencing discomfort of some sort. It is not OK if you’re micromanaging every moment of the massage. You need a new massage therapist or to become one yourself.
Your therapist should ask you before the massage starts if you have any health issues your dealing with, any muscles you want paid more attention to, and if stretching or scalp and facial massage are going to be part of your massage. Once that’s established let the therapist do their thing, if you let go of being a control freak you might be surprised how well your therapist can take care of you.
3. You are late, and you expect a full massage. You made your appointment a week ago, and now your running ten minutes late, which translates to half an hour late. Or worse you leave your therapist waiting in their car while your still in the grocery store and OMG I am sooooo sorry for being late we can still do the whole hour right? Wrong. Dude I got shit to do, and that doesn’t mean waiting on your late ass. If you have booked a massage in a spa, chances are there is someone booked right behind you. If you have a therapist coming to your house, they have probably just sweated out a forty-minute traffic jam, wasted gas, possibly are paying a sitter and probably passed up a chance to do a massage on another client so they could be there on time.
This is what will happen if you show up late. You will get to have your appointment minus whatever time you came late, and you will get charged the full amount, or you will have to pay the full amount and not get any massage at all. Yes, most therapists and spas are strict about tardiness because they are tight on time, so make sure of the cancellation policy before you book your massage, and for God’s sake be on time. It’s a massage not a dental appointment.
4. You interrupt the massage a million times. A lady came into the spa and asked for an appointment. We were able to accommodate her right away. She was all smiles, but underneath the Miss Congeniality act was an anxious, fidgety, micromanaging nightmare. After she got on the table and I entered the room, I asked if she was comfortable, if the room was cool or warm enough and If I needed to get her anything. “oh, I am fine, just happy to get a massage.” Ten minutes into the massage, she asked me to adjust the face cradle, I moved it into 4 different positions before she requested a new one, then she decided she wanted three extra cushions for her hips and chest, then the room was too cold, then it was too hot, then the music was to loud then she wanted the face cradle adjusted again and finally after all of this she needed to pee. Guess how long her sixty-minute massage turned out to be? About 20 minutes and that’s because there was nobody booked after her. People!! Talk to your therapist, say what you need before you get on the table.
Rule of thumb arrive at your appointment thirty minutes before and do your business at that time. Most Spas have a “relaxation” area where you can read a magazine, listen to soothing music and get into the zone of relaxation before you relax. Tell the front desk crew if you have anything important that you want, like temperature adjustments or no music or tap dancers. Let them or your therapist know as much in advance as possible and they will do everything they can to make sure you have what you need.
5. You want sexual favors. If you’re going into a massage and you want a blow job, go somewhere else. Massage therapists are not prostitutes. It is terrifying to have someone asking you to give them a hand job, showing you their junk, making crude jokes or out right asking you for sex. It is all to common place as well. Why are there not more police reports and people getting in trouble? Because as the cunning predators who show up asking for this stuff know, its your word against theirs, they smell your fear and want to act on it. I have had to walk out of the room as a man started to masturbate under the sheets, I had to leave my massage table behind and threaten to call the police because a man “just wanted a hand job for God’s sake.” I have been subjected to disgusting junk displays, Hint guys: nobody no one cares about your dick, just put it away. Something else to think about, if your therapist is willing to throw in a little something, something for you, she or he has done it before, you’re not living out a fantasy your just another person paying for sex.
6. Massage therapists don’t care if you fart, burp or snore during a massage. You just blew the nastiest bomb of your life on the massage table and now you want to crawl into a hole and die. Guess what? while our eyes are watering, and we might burn you lighting up some sage for the demon that came out of your ass, most massage therapists have smelled nastier farts and heard louder burps. If your snoring and drooling we give you a ten plus rating as a client, because
1. You are enjoying the massage
2. You are getting some well-deserved rest and relaxation and that means we are doing our job. When you start massaging muscles it is natural for the body to react by releasing gasses. It also natural for people to snore. Sometimes it can even be endearing. While it is not encouraged to eat fermented cheese an hour before your massage, therapists are compassionate creatures and won’t go telling the spa crew you destroyed the ozone.
7. We don’t take personally if you’re in a bad mood. A woman once asked me to “massage the bitch out of her.” I tried my best. It was awesome that she told me upfront that she wasn’t a happy camper. Massage therapists get it. We really do. We are here to help alleviate your aches, pains and stress. We don’t expect you to be anything but polite to us. We can tell when you need mental space, and if you ask specifically for no music or as little noise as possible we are ok with that to. Remember as a massage client you’re on that table to shut down for an hour, if you don’t want to interact, you just want to pay the bill go home we are fine with that. Chances are we need to get the fuck on with it as well, so it’s a win, win for everyone. Massage therapists want you to be happy even its an angry happy.
8. It doesn’t matter if your fat. I am fat, a fat massage therapist. I am also a fat massage client. I used to care that my therapist, especially if he was a male therapist was going to judge my rolls. That was until I became a therapist myself and honest to God, in the seven years I have been working, have never heard a male or female therapist make derogatory comments about the weight of a client they worked on. Massage therapist are the hippies of the spa world. Unlike aestheticism, or hair technicians or nail technicians we are usually mellow, loving people. We are the Mr. Rogers of the holistic world. We love you just the way you are. Professional massage tables are made to hold a significant amount of weight, if you are uncomfortable lying face down, your therapist can roll up towels to support you and you can lay on your side. If you are shy, ask your therapist for an extra or towel to cover up with. The only thing you shouldn’t do is deny yourself the benefit of an amazing massage. You are awesome, your rolls are awesome, own them and get your damn massage.
9. Wood happens. You’re a dude and you just got an erection in the middle of a massage that is being given to you by a sixty-year-old woman with more wrinkles than a Shar Pei. If your cool about it no one judges. If You’re not cool about it refer to number five, but if you’re a normal dude these things happen and its ok. We are trained to ignore it, and most of the time really don’t notice and if we do we just look up at the ceiling and don’t pay more attention to it. There is a difference between a body part coming alive that your client can not control and some turd acting like its his God given right to get a hand job.
Three things you can do if your body betrays you. One asks to turn over, if you just flipped face up, say that you would just like the therapist to keep on working on your back for the remainder of the massage. Two if this an issue that’s happened before, some men have said that it helps to wear underwear and short bathing trunks, or third just ask for an extra blanket and throw it over the offending member.
10. We like your kids and pets. I have a client who has five rescue dogs of varying shapes and sizes. They would stand at the door of her room and howl as I would try to massage her. It was distressing to hear those poor doggies freaking out, so I asked if she was ok with letting them in the room while I massaged her. She was and now the doggos keep their mom company and its blissfully quiet except for some panting and an occasional dog fart. I have a couple I massage who have lots of kids of all ages. Sometimes the little ones wander into the room and flip on the television. The parents don’t care, the kids are polite and just want to be near their parents and most likely are curious about what I am doing. A lot of therapists have kids and pets and like being in a family environment. If everyone is on the same page and getting comfort from being near each other then your therapist should be ok with it. If the therapist has an objection to your children or pets being in the room, then fuck them. You need a new therapist.
So there it is, some massage therapy etiquette! I hope it will give you some insight so you can have a great massage.
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