Two great innovators in fashion and in food took their lives. I cried for people I don't know, for their families, for their children, for the loss of the creativity and light that people like that bring into this world. This year I have been crying a lot. For the people who have lost their lives to senseless violence, for the people who face discrimination and sexual abuse in a country where we are supposed to have rights and feel safe. For the people who couldn't hang on.
I am pretty sure everyone has thought to themselves, fuck it, why am doing this? I know I have. I remind myself, at those times, that I am on, what Joseph Campbell coined, as the Hero's Journey. It is a dark, dirty and difficult journey. It is the journey of life and if anyone had told me how heavy my footsteps would get, how steep the climb would be. I would have run straight back to my childhood bedroom. Forget marriage and children, forget having to start over again in my forties. If anyone would have warned me how difficult it was all going to be. I would have been outta there before the fun could start. My life could be seen in two ways. A huge try and fail, or a Hero's Journey. The hero does not ride in on her motorcycle, clean and ready for fun. A true Hero has some living on him or her. They are beat, broken but determined to keep going one painful step at a time. I choose to see myself on a hero's journey. I choose to be a hero, at least in my own mind.
These are tough times and tough times call for a fuck you attitude. As in fuck you life, I am not giving up until you carry me out of here kicking and screaming. If you are going to make it through the hard times. You need a some sort of spiritual practice. If Praying helps, then pray. But you also need rituals and self healing, self love practices that you lock into place when things get to hard to take. When your on a hero's journey, you MacGyver the shit out of whatever tools you have at your disposal.
I employ these spiritual practices regularly in my own life. They help me stay the course, keep calm and remind myself that I am not going to kick it until I get the prize at the bottom of the cereal box and If there is none, then I will just keep turning over boxes until I find my decoder ring.
1. Break it down. How do you eat a watermelon? You slice that deliciousness and eat it bit by bit. You don't shove the whole thing down your throat. When confronted by a problem or series of problems and thinking about the future is unbearable. Don't. Get up and celebrate getting up. You got out of bed brushed your teeth and let the dogs out back to pee? Your a freaking bad ass!! Celebrate each step you take. Pat yourself on the back for getting out bed when all you wanted to was hide under the covers. I trained six months for a half marathon. It was painful and in the middle of it I questioned my sanity. So I broke the journey down. I told myself run from here to the trees, now from here to the red car and I kept on like that until I reached the finish line. Then I powered my aching calves through that finish line. Fuck You life I made it. You can only prepare so much for the future, shit is going to happen, people are going to bail on you, disappointment is part of this game. Focus on one thing at a time. It will get you through until you can handle more.
2. Don't answer the call of negativity. We all have that someone. The one who calls you in the middle of the night to dump their latest trauma on your doorstep and then disappears for the next six weeks. After one particularly excruciating phone call, my son looked at me shaking his head he said "mom you've become a human stress ball, people squeeze their stress into you until they feel better and then drop you until they need you again." Yeah..Ouch. But true entirely true. After that I stopped answering my phone every time it rang. I also don't answer my phone to any number I don't recognize. Bill collectors be damned. If its that important they will leave a voicemail. You are not obligated to listen to someone who is verbally abusive, rude, offensive or calls to take a dump on you. It doesn't matter who it is. I don't answer text messages that are out of line either. People who reach out the least for help are the ones that get dumped on the most. If this is you then know its OK not to deal with other peoples problems until your done dealing with yours.
3. Get rid of your crap. When my life starts getting out of control, money gets tight, and opportunity plays ding,dong,ditch. I know its time to unblock my energy. the quickest way for me to do that is to give things away. I am not talking about walking down South Beach giving your life savings to tourists. I am talking about that pile of clothes that fit you back when shoulder pads were cool and a flock of seagulls wasn't something you shooed away from your beer cooler. Give it away or sell it and make a few pennies. It doesn't matter how you do it, just do it. Clear your space of old papers,old makeup,old socks. The detritus of our lives fills up so much mental space. When your in a despairing mood, your environment should be your shelter,your sanctuary. I work very hard to keep my space soothing. A friend once told me my living room felt like taking a Xanax. I will take that as a positive.
4. Your thoughts lie. Our heads are filled with monkey chatter. Insane noise that robocalls your brain at night and replays your worst fears,insecurity and memories. Those voices that interrupt our peace, they have names attached to them. Mother, father, spouse, ex-spouse, dick head boss from ten years ago, jerk off from the subway they said something and our subconscious stored that shit and yay drags it out when were at our most vulnerable. I don't know if there is science behind this but I started talking back to my voices. So you gained fifteen pounds over the holidays? Your mothers voices starts chanting in your head that you are never going to find someone at that weight. Talk back to her (in your head or out loud)
tell her that you would rather be alone than in a shitty relationship with someone who only cares about the way you look. You have to be a tyrant to those persistently negative thoughts, talk back, fuck those thoughts no one owns your brain but you. Another technique my therapist taught me is say in a very strong voice ( in or out of your head) STOP, each time your brain starts rolling the negative red carpet out. I have done this and it really helps. You may have to do it a few times, but if you can derail the bad thought train you can move on to better thoughts.
5. Leave social media and news feeds off. I know this is a tough one. I reach for my phone first thing in the morning and skim through my news feed. I start freaking out about five minutes into it. We should all be informed but most news is bad news and when your in a bad head space, you need to fill it with positive, inspiring thoughts not ones that drag you down.
I kicked the Facebook habit about two years ago. I could not compete with all the fabulous vacations, straight A honor roll children, perfect dinners and parties and happily ever after bullshit relationships I was seeing. I felt more disconnected than ever. So I stopped using it. I started feeling better. When I want to see pretty pictures I go on pinterest or Instagram. When I want to know whats happening in the world I listen to National Public Radio.
6. Ask For Help. Why are people so freaking stubborn about asking for help? I know one reason. there is a stigma about telling people that your in therapy. I have felt at times when I am asked "hows therapy going" that inside people are applauding themselves for thinking how great they are for managing with out it. Well Yay for them. I have a therapist, I go once a week I have issues I sometimes don't know how to deal with. Going to therapy saved me when I was spiraling out of mental control. I am not ashamed to admit that. I am humble and have been humbled by life. When I feel low I let my people know and ask for help. It could be just asking for company, a hug or to watch a movie or share a meal with me. I ask them for it because my people are not mind readers and they love me and don't expect me to be a rock all the time.
7. Be kind to others. Sounds old fashioned right? We are in this life together folks, not that it feels that way sometimes. Being an adult is very isolating. People drift away, stop calling, become to busy to be invested in friendships. It sucks but it is a real thing and it hurts like hell. When I am feeling abandoned and alone, I try to do something kind for someone else. It could be anything from letting someone cut in front of me at the grocery store, to showing up at my dads house for an unexpected visit, leaving a bag of mangoes from my tree on a neighbors doorstep or surprising my kids with a special meal. Stepping away from my own bullshit helps me to derail my bad feelings and creates a bubble of kindness around me that softens life's sharp edges.
These are the things I do regularly to keep my shit together. Its a tough road the Hero's Journey. You might think you dont want to continue this journey. All hero's have doubts that's normal. You might think you are in the dark and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going anyway. Its harder to live than to die. You might not think your not tough enough to go any further. You have made it this far. Your a freaking super hero!! Your tougher than you ever believed, you just have to keep at this life long enough to figure it out for yourself. Someone needs you, it might be your kid, your mom, or your dad. It might be your partner or your spouse. Maybe its your cat or your dog. You thoughts will lie to you and tell you no one needs you. How do you know that you weren't put on this earth for a purpose you haven't figured out yet?
A young lady once approached me at a place we both worked and asked me if I had any insecurities about being a new mom. I answered honestly, I said I was drowning in insecurities but that I would keep trying to be a better mom, because some kind of mother instinct was telling me I was the exact mother that my son needed. The young ladies mother tracked me down later and said that I gave her daughter comfort that no one else had been able to because she had recently found out she was pregnant and was afraid she was to young to be a good mother. Maybe I was put on this earth just to say those words to her. Maybe I need you and maybe you need me. We are hero's after all, we just might need to fight this battle together.
HOW TO GET HELP:CALL THE NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE: 1-800-273-8255
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